Archive for May, 2011


Part of My Story

What are the stories I tell myself about myself? What are the stories you tell yourself?

I watch my boy and he is so much fun, pure joy. He has this issue from my perspective. He sucks his fingers. It was so cute when he was littler, now he’s four and we are worrying about his teeth. This is something he has chosen for comfort that we had no problem with about a year ago. We thought about it but figured he’d grow out of it.  Now, these days we mention it often to him “no fingers”. It is what he knows. I figure he won’t do it for forever but now it is part of his story. It is how his life “works”. He doesn’t know life with the freedom from his fingers and sees no real need to give them up.

This has been my struggle in life. I picked up negative tools as boy/teenager/young man and I kept a lot of them. When I first picked them up they did serve a purpose of shielding me from pain. However, as I kept them they in of themselves became the source of pain and shame.  Now in my journey I cognitively know I want more than negative tools that isolate and make me feel crappy.  I have  times where I believe the lie that I want to “suck my fingers” as it were.  I have been my own worst enemy for wanting to pick up old tools. Contentment with being me is the heart connection I really want for myself.

I am learning to live in a new chapter in my story. My life is not something to be fixed, it is to be enjoyed. The facts are that fingers for my boy will lead to crooked teeth but he has to want more for himself and I believe he will. Also, negative tools for me will lead to shame-based living and self condemnation. Conversely, not much fun to be around for myself or others.  It turns into a nasty mosh pit dance of life were I will keep getting hit until I am trampled.  I am wanting to recognize I am already apart of a much bigger, grander and beautiful dance of Father, Son and Spirit. The Spirit in me is crying out for more for me and is teaching me just how wonderful I am. It is taking me time. I have a history of preferring lies to truth and love.  That is the human struggle. Lies vs. Truth, Acceptance vs. Disgrace, Love vs. Fear.  Thankfully I am rescued and hidden in my Father through Jesus by the Spirit.  He is continually showing me all I need/want to Live loved and Love life.

As much as I think it would be easier to have a magic wand  to “fix” myself. I know I am me and though the difficulties comes the transformation to Love, Truth and Acceptance. So the story continues…..

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I know there was an email similar to this awhile back but I don’t care.

Today, when I got home I noticed these pretty little yellow flowers popping up in my yard. I remembered when I was young a neighbor kid said you could eat them. They look like beautiful little buttercups.  I instantly also thought “weeds” and got out the weed killer and sprayed the lawn. Now, I wonder why?  I actually like the little yellow flowers. I am not a yard expert. They may be the death of all my grass if I kept them for all I know, but I don’t really know.

I do know these little yellow flowers did not fit in the conformity I want for my lawn.  How did we get this way? Why do I appreciate a nice lawn without weeds? Can you imagine if mankind had its way with say, the rain forests of the world. We may say it was all a weed and mow it down.

It makes me wonder how ofter we/I do this with people I encounter. What if they’re different from me? I better pull them (or myself ) out of what I am used to. What if the the little yellow flower was meant to be there and bring color to the ordinary green of the lawn.  What if the person who is not like me is meant to bring color to my life and I to theirs?

I think order, conformity and regularity can be among  the most difficult things to recognize as limiting the growth God wants for us.  I want to be courageous enough to enjoy and love those not like me and I don’t always find this difficult. However, there are times when I want to pull back and not face the risk. What if it all looks like a mess?

You know what I have come to believe? Life is a mess, a beautiful mess. I am glad I am learning to see people for the beautiful creatures they are.

I am not so optimistic about my poor little yellow flowers in my yard.

I heard a statement the other day that made sense to me,  “Wouldn’t it be better to not believe in God at all then believe in one who is never satisfied?”

Great question. What do you think?

I think I am beginning to understand my agnostic/atheist friends. They may think to some degree that believers are crazy.  Look at what has been sold a “Good News”. An angry god really would rather destroy you than look at you so he decides to destroy his son instead and then gives us the blame. Is this really the whole story? Psalm 139 says ” I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. In Genesis at creation when God mad mankind He said “Very good”.

I think one thing for me is I kinda did believe the above was the “Good News” for most of my journey. I know the Old Covenant (Testament) is full of confusing things about the Father and I am not glossing over those to be a jerk I just think that is why we don’t really know how to communicate the Great News of God’s Love for all!!! In Mathew Jesus says “No One knows the Father except the Son” . No one….. think about that.

I have become convinced that looking to Jesus is the only way to interpret things that make God into the angry God.  He’s not mad and Jesus was not plan B.  In 2 Cor it states “God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself” Great News, right!?!??!

As it says in the Message, “God put on flesh and blood and moved into the neighborhood”

He is here for you and loves you tremendously, beyond measure! And that I believe is better to believe in!!!!

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